The Day Voldemort Decides To Plank
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Crackfic. How does Voldemort really get caught?


_Crackfic_

_Because I love them more than anything_

_**I don't own anything**_

_The true way Voldemort is caught…_

* * *

"My Lord," Death Eater Number 1 (Voldy found it so much more appropriate to number them rather than name them because there are just so many of them) approaches Voldemort with a sense of apprehension to his tone.

"Yes?" the Dark Lord puts aside his copy of Muggle Knitting Patterns Monthly (he pilched Dumbledore's collection when he dropped the bucket a few weeks ago) and turns to the Death Eater, trying to make his face as harsh as possible…but, truth be told, Voldemort is actually a softy. Especially since his poor cat died last week – old age, you know.

"Um…the Death Eaters have found a new sport that they continue to practise continually, My Lord," he mumbles this quietly to Voldy, who would prefer to be knitting (you know even _Dark_ wizards have to have hobbies, can't just leave all the Knitting to Dumbledore) but has to deal with his Death Eaters.

"What would the name of this sport be?" he inquires delicately, his tone making the Death Eater shrink away. "And goodness me…Death Eater Number 1, have you forgotten that I do not bite?" he forgets the name of the Death Eater for a minute so has to look at the little name badge pinned to the lapel of the cloak.

"The sport be named 'planking', my Lord," Death Eater No1 says carefully, twisting his mouth around the sport because he's never heard of it before someone told him – he thinks it was Ferret Boy, because, well, he's pretty up to date on the basics of the Muggle World.

"And you do in planking…?" Voldemort asks as he rolls his hands up into balls – no point having really long fingers and not utilising them.

"You find someplace dangerous and lie down on the ground; we have been specifying three minutes as how long they are to stay, as we cannot take photographs," the Death Eater replies slightly sorrowfully, sounding as if he regrets not having a camera because it means he has to put himself into a dangerous situation for longer.

Voldemort walks through to the main hall of Death Eaters who all stop discussing planking when the Dark Lord (ego filling name number 1) appears before them. "No, I wish to learn who has planked in the most dangerous place," he waves for them to continue talking, something which Bellatrix (he remembers her name as she _won't leave him alone_) does so eagerly.

"Hogwarts," she boasts because, well, she's a bit of a show off and wants to be the best…she _is_ the best at planking but it's not really fair.

Voldemort considers this for a moment before making his decision. "I desire to plank in the most dangerous place of all: in front of Harry Potter," he smiles as the rest of the group are torn between laughing at the idea and crying because they think Voldemort is going to get caught.

"My Lord, you cannot…" Bellatrix is cut off when Voldemort waves a hand.

"He'll spend more time waving his hands and screaming that I'm there than I shall planking, dear Death Eaters; I have nothing to worry about," Voldemort says he's amazing, which he thinks he is as his ego is so big (shouldn't have been given the name 'Dark Lord' should he?), and stalks across the room to head for Harry Potter.

.

Three hours later, Voldemort finds Harry Potter's house (the charm protecting him stopped working _ages_ ago, but Voldemort's had more problems with his knitting than he has with Harry at the minute) and presses a button on his watch that sets off a siren saying:

**VOLDEMORT IS HERE; PLEASE EXIT THE HOUSE FOR YOUR DEATH**

Because he's not a show off _at _all.

"I mean simply to show you something, Potter, not to kill you!" Voldemort explains the discrepancies in his plan and the jingle (he needs to get more than one for situations like this) as he jumps down onto the floor.

It's rather comfortable and he begins to count out the seconds one by one as he watches to see Harry emerge slowly from the house, a look of panic on his face as he thinks Voldemort has lots and lots of Death Eaters with him.

Then he sees what Voldemort is doing.

And bursts into the biggest bout of laughter he has ever had, falling onto the ground almost next to Voldemort as he calls for his friends to come out.

"What is it _now_, Harry, you think Mouldy Voldy is out here?" Hermione sighs as she walks out of the house, stopping and screaming as she sees Voldemort lying on the ground. Ron follows out and ends up on the floor like Harry, ignoring Hermione's screaming, she being the only one to have a logical reaction – fear that Voldemort is there!

The three minutes are nearly up and Voldemort is realising just why his Death Eaters love this – he needs to make it a national sport when he's in charge of the wizarding world. However, just before he gets up, Harry rolls over onto the button someone installed a long time ago but never used.

It casts a net over Voldemort entirely, because he's planking and not moving – so it just sticks to him. The road 100m around him is also captured, meaning that the poor cat from next door is under with Voldemort, who begins to scream and shout for help as he realises that his planking has been a complete and utter failure.

"Harry!" Hermione screeches in delight. "You've caught Voldemort!"

And then they all laugh at the ridiculousness of the idea, thinking it must be a lookalike because not even _Voldemort_ is stupid enough to go plank in front of Harry Potter.

So they all go to bed and leave Voldemort in the street.

.

The next morning, Cornelius Fudge pops by because he hasn't been mentioned for a _very_ long time so felt that he ought to pop back into their lives. He spots Voldemort on the floor, sleeping (because planking gets boring after a while), and calls someone to take him to Azkaban.

Therefore, whilst Harry sleeps, he loses his title as the person needed to capture Voldemort because Fudge gets the glory, sacks Rufus from the Minister for Magic job and takes it back again.

All because Harry thought that he dreamt up planking.

* * *

_Pure idiocy._

_Still, reviews would be appreciated._

_And no faving without reviewing please & thanks._

_Vicky xx_


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